And then there were none…

Over the last several months I’ve been traveling. I haven’t been blogging as much as should have. My memory is bad, and this is basically my diary. I’ve had some good times, rough times and weird times.

In Europe, I have traveled to Prague, Czech Republic (where I spent the most time). Graz and Vienna, Austria. Berlin, Germany. Budapest, Hungary. And now I am in Fiesso d’Artico, Italy. While in Budapest I came to the realization that I do not belong here. I need to go back to the U.S.

This goes beyond homesickness. I miss my daughter terribly. She is my one and only love. I am nothing without her. Because of my decision to leave and have her stay with her dad, I have been called good, brave, fucked up, in denial and irresponsible. I don’t deny that my decision to leave her with her dad had it’s consequences for me and her. I felt what I did, needed to be done at the time. I wanted her to have a life in which I felt I could not provide, and it seemed that her dad has his shit more together than me. This has left her scarred and has effected more people in my life than I intended to.

I am trying. So hard. At this point, all I can do is show her my love, make sure she is well taken care of, and hope for the best. She has not lived with me in almost a year. I have not seen her in 6 months. I have only been traveling for 4 months and when I am done, it will be a full 5 months of traveling and over a year of not living with my little girl.

When I get back, I fully intend to get myself healthy. I am unwell with anxiety and depression. It’s hard to function as a normal person when these things make me a bit bipolar as well. I want to go to school again. I want to be a better mom. I want to be a better person. I feel I am trying so hard and I just get shit on for it.

I don’t want anyone’s pity for what I’m saying, and I shouldn’t be judged for what I have done. I want my daughters life to be great. That is all I care about and I hope that she will see that as she gets older.