I’m Terrified

I have 4 weeks left of work. After that, only a week and a half to finish my time here in the Pacific Northwest. From there I fly to California for a week and then New York for a week before heading to my final destination.

Over the past few months, I have been in the valleys of doubt and terror, and to the peaks of happiness and excitement. But I’m no longer both. I’m scared. Reality is setting in. Everything is becoming too real. I have so much to do and so little time. I feel unprepared. I start questioning myself, “What am I doing? Did I just fuck up my life? Am I making the best choice? Should I skip the whole trip and stay?”

I get phone calls from various family members, making me doubt everything. I feel selfish and unwise. I start over thinking and get depressed. I get broken hearted. It almost feels like a preparation for death.

Luckily I have good friends and people to bring me back down to earth. I reevaluate my goals after speaking with them. I’m still going to do it. I’m starting to get excited again. I’m looking straight ahead into my future. This is for me. Yes, it is selfish. I’m allowed to be. I need to be. 

In the words of David Bowie, it’s time to “turn and face the strange.”

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