I’m Terrified

I have 4 weeks left of work. After that, only a week and a half to finish my time here in the Pacific Northwest. From there I fly to California for a week and then New York for a week before heading to my final destination.

Over the past few months, I have been in the valleys of doubt and terror, and to the peaks of happiness and excitement. But I’m no longer both. I’m scared. Reality is setting in. Everything is becoming too real. I have so much to do and so little time. I feel unprepared. I start questioning myself, “What am I doing? Did I just fuck up my life? Am I making the best choice? Should I skip the whole trip and stay?”

I get phone calls from various family members, making me doubt everything. I feel selfish and unwise. I start over thinking and get depressed. I get broken hearted. It almost feels like a preparation for death.

Luckily I have good friends and people to bring me back down to earth. I reevaluate my goals after speaking with them. I’m still going to do it. I’m starting to get excited again. I’m looking straight ahead into my future. This is for me. Yes, it is selfish. I’m allowed to be. I need to be. 

In the words of David Bowie, it’s time to “turn and face the strange.”


3 Weeks Domestic


My work was gracious enough to give me 3 weeks off for winter break. Ohhh the benefits of working in education. Unfortunately, not all of it was paid.

My trip was long… and to be honest, I don’t want to go in to every little detail of what happened during the 3 weeks. But here is what my travel itinerary looked like to get an idea of how exhausting it was:

Day 1: Night in Seattle

Day 2: Seattle✈Denver✈Chicago✈Knoxville

Day 3 – 9: Knoxville adventures on my own and with the kiddo.

Day 10:  Knoxville✈Chicago✈San Francisco

Day 10-14: Bay Area shenanigans with old friends.

Day 14: 11:30pm New Year’s Eve Megabus 🚌to Anaheim

Day 15: New Year’s Day at Disneyland!

Day 15: Evening🚂Amtrak train to San Diego

Day 15-18: San Diego visit with eldest brother and his family. Lots of doing nothing and lots of beer drinking. I also caught a cold. 😦

Day 18: San Diego✈San Francisco

Day 18-20: Time hanging out with my mom in the North Bay!

Day 20-22: Time in Oakland with the boyfriend. Stolled around the lake, went to some bars and he made me watch ALL of the sports.

Day 22: San Francisco✈Flight back home to Seattle.

All of my flights were on United Airlines except for my flight from San Diego to San Francisco, which was on Virgin Air. I was especially nervous with riding United because my last experience with them was not good. Plus there are tons of horror stories about them. Anywho not only that, but the weather was crazy around the country. Lots of snow and ice. I was anxious that I might get stuck in Denver or Chicago. I did have one delay from Denver to Chicago causing me to miss my connection. But the United team was so on top of it, they got me on the next flight from Chicago to Knoxville. I only had to wait around for 2 hours.

On a side note, the Chicago airport is beautiful. If you ever have a layover there and have some time to kill, wander around and explore.

Double side note, I secretly wished my flight got cancelled in Chicago on my way back to the West coast. I really want to visit that city. 🙂
Overall, my trip had some good and interesting highlights: 

  • The night before I left town, I spent the night in Seattle where I ended up at a holiday party at a vintage store in the University District of Seattle called the Valley of Roses, I think. I met the owner and got to check out all the vintage gear. Amazing stuff and not over priced. I then had another friend pick me up where went to Archie McPhee and then some bar hopping before I headed back to my buddies house to crash on his couch.
  • Getting to see my daughter and snuggle with her during the holidays was and is always amazing. We went ice skating, ate ice cream, watched holiday movies and went shopping. I miss her very much.
  • Meeting with many old friends in the Bay Area, some of whom I haven’t seen since high school. I even ended up making friends with a friends friend, and ended up at the strip club and eventually a karaoke bar.
  • I met a guy on my flight to Denver, who was on his way to Connecticut to surprise his family for the holidays. How sweet!
  • In Tennessee I met and befriended a nice guy from Ohio who had only lived in Tennessee for the past 3 weeks. We met at a bar called Not Watson’s and talked about soccer and even went bowling. I also met some idiot at a bar a few nights later. I can’t recall the name of the place, but the music was terrible. The first thing he says to me is, “I saw you from across the bar. You’re the prettiest woman in here.” Then I think to myself, “Uhhh… I am drunk and stuffing my face full of nachos. I’m pretty sure that is not attractive.” I was also wearing a low cut top, to which he then says to me “Look at what you’re wearing! You’re asking for it.” For any dude that’s reading this… Please note that this comes off as rapey.
  • While I was in Knoxville, I also checked out the Knoxville Museum of Art. They have some interesting exhibits, including my favorite: the Thorne Rooms. Basically miniature dioramas. I have a weird love for dioramas.
  • In southern California, I spent a whole $120 of my hard earned money for 6 hours in Disneyland. Totally worth it. I didn’t realize how many rides you can fit in with no lines the earlier get there. San Diego was nice and relaxing too. By the time I arrived there I was literally sick and tired. My brother works at a brewery and his wife works at a BevMo. There was so much beer in their apartment. So I ended up spending about 90% of my time laying on their couch, drinking a variety of beer and eating Mexican food from the taqueria about a half a block away from their apartment. The other 10% of my time was going to the beach in Coronado.
  • On the flight from San Diego back up to San Francisco, I had a whole row to myself. I sat in front of a young couple with a new born baby. They were the nicest people and their baby Bowie was adorable.
  • And of course the last leg of my trip was spent visiting my mom and also the boyfriend. It was a relaxing end to my trip.

I know this entry is weird and kind of choppy and all over the place, but I finally had the motivation and time to write it. You can always find pictures from my trips/life on my instagram. Hopefully I’ll get better at updating my entries so they’re not as excruciatingly long.

I highly encourage anyone who travels, even those who don’t… To get out of your comfort zone and start experiencing things or talking to new people. You end up learning a lot about yourself and about the world. There are so many people out there, good and bad. They all have a story and learning about them will in turn help you learn more about yourself.

Last note: Stay positive. During my travels and at home, I have been given lots of positive and negative feedback for my current life decisions. The feelings that occur with the negative remarks can be daunting. The positive ones can be encouraging. It doesn’t matter though. You don’t have to give any reason to anyone that questions you, for what you do and your decisions that make you happy. As long as you’re not hurting anyone. Do what you gotta do to stay happy and make the best of what you got.